them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
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1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Mmmm canned fish.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
grotesque if literal: baby food
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*