It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?