Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
You Might Also Like
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.