We are the people our parents warned us about.
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I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards