MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
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At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever