so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
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Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.