I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
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mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I put the mess in domestic.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!