Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Seems a bit forward
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
love it when they get my name right
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.