VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
(2022)
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.