When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*