Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
good let them take over I have had enough
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go