I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
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Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
same bro
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.