a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
The USS B port
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.