Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
🔦🌙👣
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Sell your car
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
North and South
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday