I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
You Might Also Like
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.