*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
You Might Also Like
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
road rage
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s