Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I put the p in pants.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Nice try, poison.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…