My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I drew y’all a little something.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!