“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
You Might Also Like
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅