Thursday
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It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus