old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
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Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward