Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
found my next D&D character name
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how