Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
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[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.