Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
My dad is at it again
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition