Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
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Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Geez man, take it easy.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*