Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Always 🥴
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.