Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.