Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
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*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.