I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
#Caturday
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless