Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
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My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.