My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
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A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”