angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.