AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked