Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back