The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
You Might Also Like
? 💀
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Just how popey was the pope today?
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double