8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
You Might Also Like
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Love is always patient and kind.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.