[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.