The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
You Might Also Like
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Note to self: I am a note
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.