MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
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Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong