I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
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Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.