Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
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Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.