“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
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Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Lmao
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?