My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
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What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
This is a sub tweet
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Tastes like chicken.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.