I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them