i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner