Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Cinematography is my passion
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight