People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.