[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.