[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
You Might Also Like
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.