*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
fourth time’s the charm
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
#Caturday
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I hope it’s French Onion!
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”